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Friday, August 31, 2007

It's Just Too Easy to Make Fun of Travis Henry

Bronco running back Travis Henry needs a nickname.

I suggest "Johnny Appleseed" since both Travis and Johnny spread their seed across America.

Hey, it's a cheap shot, but if you have nine kids and nine different baby mama, you will be ridiculed. I'm just doing my part.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

BREAKING NEWS

Of all the children born in the entire world today, NOT ONE was fathered by Travis Henry.

Monday, August 27, 2007

I Didn't Realize This...

until I heard the song again earlier today, but there really is cowbell in "Don't Fear the Reaper" by Blue Oyster Cult.

Monday, August 20, 2007

Jose Offerman Redux

Despite being most famous for attacking fellow minor leaguers with a bat, Jose had a decent career in the major leagues.

As a friend of mine reminded me, he played 16 seasons in the show. His career average was .273. He had 537 RBI and 172 stolen bases. Not shabby. Of course, he played that long because of his speed and bat, not because of his defense.

Here are two old Offerman jokes my friend sent me:

Joke 1 - How do you spell his last name?

1 O, 2 F’s and 50 E’s


Joke 2 - What do Michael Jackson and Jose have in common?

They both where a glove on one hand for no apparent reason.

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Go Ahead and Start Calling Me Names

Cold hearted. Mean. Soulless. I am sure you can think of others.

If you can’t, you will before you are done reading this.

What have I done?

I disagree with Woody Paige’s column in the Denver Post today. Normally, that would be no big deal. But today Woody did his best Mitch Albom impersonation. And why would anyone disagree with treacly sentimentality? It has its fans and has made Albom rich.

In this case, however, it demonstrates a complete misalignment of our priorities.

Woody has called for donations so murdered Denver Bronco cornerback Darrent Williams can have a permanent headstone on his Fort Worth grave. The one he has now, for reasons unexplained by Paige, is temporary.

Woody wants to raise $7000 to do the job. The longtime columnist and ESPN television personality has donated $250 of his own to start the fund. I will not belittle the amount.

(However, if he really wanted to get the job done, he could have donated all $7000 anonymously and saved us the self-congratulatory column.)

My real complaint is asking the public for money to benefit a professional athlete at all.

Darrrent did not make millions of dollars. He did, however, make hundreds of thousands. His family also gets a death benefit from his union.

How many of our servicemen and women make less than that? How many have families back home while they fight overseas? How many of those families need public assistance? All of them. Thousands. Way too many.

How many schools need renovation? How many VA hospitals need funds? How many homeless need a meal?

How many in Fort Worth, Darrent’s hometown, could use some charity? How many youth football leagues could use football equipment in Darrent’s name?

Sports helped Darrent avoid gangs and trouble in general. Wouldn’t a donation to the Fort Worth Boys’ Clubs (or Police Athletic League or Catholic Youth Organization or Pop Warner or the Parks and Recreation Department of Forth Worth . . .) be a better monument to his life than a gravestone?

People can do anything they want with their money. They can buy beer with it. They can gamble with it. They can donate to any cause they desire.

They can donate money to Woody’s fund. Or they can do something meaningful with it.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Simeon Rice

There is a growing clamour in Denver for the Broncos to sign free agent defensive end Simeon Rice.

Rice has 121 career sacks, 13th of all time and second only to the Giants' Michael Strahan among active players.

Rice was the third player picked in the 1996 draft. In 2006, he was put on injured reserve with a bad arm. He refused a pay cut with Tampa Bay and was released during the offseason.

He has had a great career, but I do not think the Broncos should sign him unless they can do it on the cheap. It is much better to cut a guy before he gets old than to sign him after he has already started climbing all time stat lists.

He is 33. That is ancient for a defensive lineman.

Dishin' it Out

In his column today, Bernie Lincicome criticizes Mike Shanahan for not playing Jay Cutler more in the preseason game at San Francisco.

I found some irony whenever the sports media criticizes coaches and players. They can dish it out but they can rarely take it.

Last night I was listening to JT the Brick on Fox Sports Radio. A caller criticized him.

He went off on the caller, and another Fox Sports Radio guy told the caller that when he gets his own syndicated show, he can run it however he wants. Until then, he should shut up.

I wonder how JT would respond if a coach told him that he should just shut up until he got his own NFL team to coach?

What Did They Say, Mr. D.A.?

According to Sue Lindsay in the Rocky Mountain News,

Jefferson County District Attorney Scott Storey did nothing improper in announcing charges against former Denver judge and city attorney Larry Manzanares, the office of attorney regulation has concluded.

. . .

"I am grateful that they took a hard look at it and have concluded that I acted appropriately and ethically," Storey said.


Hmmm. That's not what they said, Mr. Storey. The Office of Attorney Regulation made no comment on the appropriateness of your actions. They just said you did nothing improper.

There is a wide gulf between "nothing improper" and "appropriate."

I'm just sayin'.

Jose Offerman Gets Two Hits

Ever wonder what happened to Jose Offerman?

Me either, but he's playing baseball in the independent Atlantic League.

Or at least he was until last night, when he hit an opposing pitcher and catcher with his bat.

He faces assault charges in Bridgeport, Connecticut, for his attack.

Of course, the irony is that this is the hardest he ever hit anything with a bat during his entire career, and it will probably be the last thing he ever hits.

A Nice Weekend Project

Colorado State Senator Ted Harvey, R-Highlands Ranch, is mentioned in Erika Gonzalez' Rocky Mountain News story today about in-state tuition for immigrants.

According to the story, Harvey "said he would like federal law changed so that children born in the U.S. to illegal immigrants don't automatically become citizens."

That "federal law" is the Constitution.

Go ahead Senator Harvey, get that Constitutional Convention started.

Another Stupid Lawsuit

I am a proud plaintiff's lawyer. I am often frustrated at the negative reputation my profession suffers. Most of the time, that reputation is ill-deserved and unfair.

Then a lawyer files a complaint that makes me cringe, and I am reminded why we have the reputation we do.

Attoney Richard Ancowitz has filed a complaint on behalf of a Rutgers woman's basketball player because Don Imus called her team some "nappy headed ho's."

This is ridiculous. There is no legitimate legal theory that applies to this complaint.

There is no cause of action for being called a name. None. Calling someone a "nappy headed ho" is not slander. It is childish.

It is rude. It is inappropriate. It is unfunny.

It is not a cause of action.

Ancowitz said "[t]his is basically about vindicating my client's good name."

No one knew your client's name until you filed this lawsuit. Most of us still don't.

No one thinks she is a "nappy headed ho."

She probably has very nice hair and I sincerely doubt she has ever sold her body for money.

She has, however, sold her integrity when she filed this complaint. And so has her attorney.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Dinger, The Rockies' Mascot

Jay Mohr has this to say about our favorite purple dinosaur:

The Colorado Rockies' mascot is a dinosaur. Yep. A big purple dinosaur wearing a belly shirt that barely covers his nipples. I don't get it. What about Colorado baseball made the marketing department think the mascot should look like a fat guy with acne in a gay bar? Whose idea was it to put the dinosaur in a halter top?



I don't know, Jay, I don't know.

Feeding the Beast

In today's Rocky Mountain News:


Dismayed lawmakers learned Monday that the state might have to scrap a new but flawed computer system for vehicle registrations that already has cost taxpayers nearly $11 million.
. . .
"I suspect the failure rests on the shoulder of the legislature," said Rep. Kevin Lundberg, R-Berthoud.

Rep. Lundberg speaks the truth.

But there is more:


*CBMS: Colorado Benefits Management System, developed by EDS at a cost of 223 million. It fouled up welfare benefits and left recipients without critical cash. The federal government demanded an $11 million sanction for money that CBMS incorrectly paid out in food stamps.


* Genesis: Developed by Accenture under a $40.8 million contract with the state Department of Labor to track unemployment insurance. The system had a 20 percent error rate, and the two sides agreed to cancel the contract. Colorado paid Accenture $27 million.

• SCORE: Statewide Colorado Registration and Election system, developed by ccenture under a $10.5 million contract. When Accenture missed a federal deadline for completion of the new statewide voter registration database, the secretary of state canceled the contract.


• ERP: Enterprise Resource Planning system was developed by SAP at a cost of $38 million to track Colorado Department of Transportation finances, personnel and project management. About 1,000 employees had errors in their payroll checks last winter. Alterations to the system are ongoing.


THAT'S NOT ALL


With large swaths of the Gulf Coast still in ruins from Hurricane Katrina, rich federal tax breaks designed to spur rebuilding are flowing hundreds of miles inland to investors who are buying up luxury condos near the University of Alabama's football stadium.


About 10 condominium projects are going up in and around Tuscaloosa, and builders re asking up to $1 million for units with granite countertops, king-size bathtubs and Bama decor, including crimson couches and Bear Bryant wall art.


All of these examples are in today's paper. To catalogue such folly every day would be a full time job.

The next time the government wants a tax increase, remember how well it spends your money. The next time someone says it is "heartless" to deny their special project tax money, remember how well the government spends your money.

The government has plenty of money. It just does not know how to spend it.

Monday, August 13, 2007

Fun With Numbers

Sports Illustrated NFL guru Peter King says:

I think we can't write enough or say enough about how disgraceful it is that the NFL charges regular-season prices for these preseason games. Flipping through the weekend games, you could see the yawning gaps of empty seats ... and realize the empty seats didn't mean the tickets weren't sold. They were, for the most part. But the people had no desire to go to the games. The Jets-Falcons game, for instance -- Chad Pennington played two series and never threw a pass. Charging regular-season prices is a blatant disregard for the fans.


As an original season ticket holder for the Carolina Panthers, I understand King's lament.

For example, let's say I had to pay $50 a seat for my tickets. There are eight regular season home games, so they cost me $400 a seat for the year. However, the team forces you to buy the two preseason games, as well, at the same price, if you want the season tickets.

Ergo, my season tickets cost $500 a seat for the year, $400 for eight regular season games and $100 for the two meaningless preseason games.

The team could solve this problem and lose no money in the process. It would be completely cosmetic and would not save the fans a thick nickel, but they could shut up the likes of King and other whiners.

"How?" you ask?

Give the preseason tickets away for FREE! to all season ticket holders. Then raise the price of the regular season tickets to $62.50.

$62.50 for eight home games comes to $500 a seat.

Problem solved.

I'm a marketing genius.

Friday, August 10, 2007

Trading Places

If you haven't seen the movie starring Dan Aykroyd and Eddie Murphy, then you have no idea what I'm talking about.

You should just move on.

Otherwise, check out picture #2 in this Smoking Gun collection.

I have no doubt that a successful Hollywood producer could take that chick, fix her up, and maker her a legitimate movie star.

C'mon. She has large breasts, big eyes, and pouty lips. What else does it take?

I'm a movie genius.

And who will take the place of our lovely mugshot girl? Lindsay Lohan already has.

Don't Throw Me in the Briar Patch!

The Tennesse Titans have obtained a court order keeping Pacman Jones from wrestling with TNA.

The Total Nonstop Action Wrestling marketing department is in tears.

They thought they had obtained an advertising coup.

But wait!

By getting a court order, the Titans have made sports pages across North America! People that had no idea TNA existed.... well, now they do.

If Pacman can't wrestle, TNA wins anyway.

Thursday, August 09, 2007

Amy Winehouse Taken to Hospital

They tried to take her to rehab, but she said "no, no, no."

This Won't Help Sway the Critics

Joe Rogan's commentary during UFC Unleashed tonight on SpikeTV:

"It's hard to control someone with all that blood everywhere."

He's right. Blood is slippery.

Sweet Tea

Even though I am a devout Westerner now, I am and will always be proud of my Southern culture.

Slate magazine has piece on sweet tea that I enjoyed.

It reminded me of the Rathskellar in Chapel Hill, where they make the sweet tea with one pound of sugar for every gallon of water. (Or so I was told.)

It is excellent.

Sweet tea and hushpuppies. MMMMM. With pork bbq (the only kind there is in NC), followed by some banana puddin'. If the puddin' don't have 'nilla wafers in it, it ain't real.

Pacman Jones and Pro-wrestling

Adam "Pacman" Jones is serving a one-year suspension from the NFL for conduct off the field.

During his mandated down time, he has taken a temp job with Total Nonstop Action wrestling. (Yes, that's "TNA" wrestling.)

He makes his television debut tonight.

Having been a pro-wrestling fan for a good portion of my life, I can tell you what will happen tonight.

His arrival will be touted as soon as the show starts. It will be touted every several minutes throughout the show. It will be touted before and after every commercial break.

He will finally make his debut with about one minute left in the show, and he will hit someone over the head with a foreign object as the show ends.

That will be it. You'll have to tune in later for more. If you want to see him in the ring, it will most likely require the purchase of a PPV event.

If I were writing the script, Pacman would make his debut by driving his orange Lamborghini into the arena. His entourage will follow in an orange Hummer. He would enter the ring surrounded by large men in dark suits with large gold necklaces and medallions. One of the men would hand Pacman a plastic garbage bag filled with cash. Pacman would through the cash into the stands, thereby "making it rain."

Dollar bills would then fall from the rafters throughout the entire arena, thereby creating a "monsoon." (A gorilla monsoon, perhaps, but I digress).

As the show ended, Pacman's entourage would enter the crowd to retrieve the money, explaining that the cash was used merely as a prop and needs to be returned.

The ensuring melee would create more publicity for TNA than the organization has ever received.

I am a marketing genius.

Dean's Book

Don't you hate it when someone on television, radio or print says that a team lost because the other guys "wanted it more?"

What a meaningless statement.

Allow the best college basketball coach of all time to comment:
Criticism must be clear and specific. It serves no purpose to tell the players: "We need to get out there and hustle. They want it more than we do." They are looking for more leadership than that.

Dean Smith, The Carolina Way, p. 77.

When a media guy says it, I'm looking for more analysis than that.

More on Van Halen

Conan O'Brien with piercing social commentary:

Van Halen announced theat they are reuniting for their first tour with David Lee Roth in 20 years. The bans says they would have reunited with David sooner, but up until now, they weren't desperate enough.

Completely Random Video of the Day

This is Christopher Walken cooking chicken with pears.

Why? I don't know.



The only thing that could make this video better? More cow bell.

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Next Time, We'll Oblige Her

Pop singer and British citizen Lilly Allen recently ran into some trouble at the Los Angeles airport. She was detained and had her work visa revoked.

According to her spokesperson "She was detained for five hours but not strip searched. Understandably she was upset by it."

Can't blame her. If I was detained for that long, at the very least I'd expect to be strip searched.

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

The Karen Kay Kronicles (Kontinued)

Today, The Fan's morning updates contained two mistakes.

First, Karen Kay's taped update said that Broncos' first round pick Jarvis Moss might be able to practice today. By the time practice had started, the tape was still running. Moss was not practicing.

Breaking news first guaranteed, indeed. (Sandy Clough noticed this and corrected it. However, it shouldn't happen at all.)

Second, Ms. Kay led into a different recorded update by noting that the Rockies had a big first inning against the Brewers last night. They did. However, Kay's sound bite was not from that big first inning. It was the last out of the game.

Beautiful.

It sounded like this: "Big first inning for the Rockies" - cut to play by play - "and that will do it for the Rockies, as they get the win 6-2."

Stupid Online Polls

The Worldwide Leader in Sports, ESPN.com, asks this poll question:

Should the Lakers trade for Jermaine O'Neal?

The choices are "yes" and "no."

Hmmmm. Wouldn't the answer depend upon what the Lakers had to give up?

If they could get him for a second round draft pick, I would answer "yes."

If they would have to give up Kobe Bryant, I would say "no."

That leaves a wide area between those two extremes for argument.

Yet the poll assumes that what the Lakers have to give up is irrelevant to the question.

What the Lakers have to give up IS the question.

I'll Believe It When They Take the Stage

.... and play an entire show without Eddie or Dave walking off the stage or getting into a fistfight.

Van Halen is scheduled to play a 50 city tour with original frontman David Lee Roth singing. Original bassist Michael Anthony has been replaced.

No, not by some famous, awesome bass player. He has been replaced by Eddie Van Halen's 15 year old son, Wolfgang.

Wolfgang did not win the gig after a long, arduous try out.

Kinda like when Jeremy Schaap got his first job.

Monday, August 06, 2007

Dook Football

Mark Schlabach, of ESPNU.com, says that Dook football coach Ted Roof needs "to win big" to keep his job.

Good thing for Coach Roof that two wins is should be enough to qualify in Durham.

Unfortunately, the Devils will probably end up two games shy of that mark. Outside of their ACC schedule, Dook plays UConn, Northwestern, Navy and Notre Dame.

Whoever scheduled that game against the Irish should be fired.

Sunday, August 05, 2007

755

Yep, I was watching.

The all-time home run record is tied. And tainted.

I have no problem if people want to get 'roided up and play sports. I just want them to admit it, and not try to pretend they are all-natural.

If a league wishes to allow all its players to use 'roids, fine. Then another league with all-natural players, with a serious drug-testing program, can form.

I betcha the fans would like the all-natural league better.

I'm just sayin'.

Friday, August 03, 2007

10th Mountain Division

The World War II members of the Army's 10th Mountain Division are having a reunion in Denver.

My hats off to these men.

I do wonder, however, what happened to the first nine Mountain Divisions.

She Just Doesn't Care

AM 950 The Fan's "local" morning update person, Karen Kay, provided this "local" update from California this morning:

"The Rockies with a big comeback.... [cut to sound of Rockies taking a 1-0 lead in the first inning.]"

A student at the Columbia School of Broadcasting would flunk with copy like that.

Common Sense from the Colorado Plains

Cheyenne County Commission Chairman Richard Bergman is expected to introduce a resolution backing the legalization of marijuana under a system that would allow
the county to tax and regulate the herb.


. . .

Bergman, who lives in the town of Wild Horse, said he has advocated
legalization of marijuana since he returned from service in Vietnam.


"It seemed like I had more freedom in Vietnam than when I came back and got harassed for smoking a little pot," he said.


. . .

Bergman compared enforcement of marijuana laws to the prohibition of alcohol,
when authorities fought a losing battle against bootleggers.


That is a good comparison, since they are exactly the same.

The Hillary Clinton Academy for Bureaucrats

I'm going to be asking a new generation to serve," she said. "I think just like
our military academies, we need to give a totally all-paid education to young
men and women who will serve their country in a public service position."

Thursday, August 02, 2007

Punting

Tim Neverette says that the return of punter Todd Sauerbrun will make a big difference to the Broncos this year.

I agree.

Sauerbrun is the best tackling punter in the history of the NFL. He makes Deion Sanders look like Martin Gramatica. Oh, wait, Deion always tackled like Martin Gramatica.

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Tonight? We make soap.

I am no student of philosophy, but I think I understand the existentialists.

We live. We suffer. We die.

There is some truth to that, but they put too much emphasis on the second sentence. Not enough on the first.

At the Cafe

At the Salida Café, I walk among the alive.

I am there, they can see me, but I am invisible.

I am in a parallel universe. There, but somewhere else.

When a waitress smiles and brings me a sandwich, the small talk opens a window into their world. For a moment, I exist. I am alive. Then the window closes. She goes back to her world.

I am alone in mine.

I look down at my magazine. At my sandwich.

I read. I eat.

I can the noise of those around me, in their own dimension. The noise leaks into my world, but it is silent. Like the low hum of a machine somewhere else.

Somewhere else.


Writer’s note: This is self-indulgent crap, but it is therapeutic. I’ll put it on the web, anyway. I like feedback, even negative feedback. And if someone likes it, that’s good. Even if it is self-indulgent crap.