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Saturday, July 14, 2012

EPA to subpoena God in effort to get answers on Colorado wildfires

Due to the massive environmental damage caused by recent Colorado wildfires, the Environmental Protection Agency will be serving God with a subpoena to answer some questions before a congressional subcommittee.

"It looks increasingly likely that most, if not all, of these fires were naturally caused," said Lisa P. Jackson, Adminstrator of the EPA. "The Rocky Mountains contain an incredibly fragile eco-system. This kind of damage will take decades, if not centuries, to recover from. The EPA takes these matters very seriously, regardless of the cause. They say the Lord works in mysterious ways. Well, we just want to ask a few questions of the Supreme Being about those mysterious ways and why it had to result in so many dead fish in our pristine rivers."

Sources indicate the EPA hopes to reach an agreement with God that all future naturally occurring devastation meet the requirements of the Clean Water Act.

President Barack Obama, concerned about potential controversy on which God is subpoenaed, instructed federal lawyers to individually subpoena Yahweh (which, according to theological experts in the White House,  includes both the Jewish and the Christian God), Allah, Buddha and Xenu. According to an unnamed source, the decision to include Xenu on the subpoena list was controversial within the White House, but fear of alienating Hollywood donors by leaving him off the list was the deciding factor to include him.

"Look, this isn't a religious issue," White House Press Secretary Jay Carney said at a press conference, "it is an issue of responsibility. This White House takes its responsibility to enforce environmental laws very seriously. Regardless of whether it is Yahweh, Allah or even Xenu who is eventually held liable, President Obama is emphatic that this region of the U.S. be made whole and damages are paid. Nature is our responsibility."

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