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Monday, July 16, 2012

An incredibly thinly veiled parable about the two party system and third party minorities.

A group gathered around a burning building. Some said, "This is awesome! Let's add some gasoline!" A second group said, "No, that's crazy! We need to put this fire out! Let's add a bunch of dry straw and twigs!"

A tiny, third, group said, "Wait a minute. We agree with the second group that we need to put out this fire, but straw and twigs won't do it. No, it's not as bad as putting gasoline on it, but it's still going to make the fire bigger. Let's put water on it, instead."

Leaders of the first two groups yelled at the third group, "Shut up! You have TWO choices! You can either help us put gasoline on the fire or you can help put straw and twigs on the fire! We are having a vote. What do you vote for?"

"Neither. We want to put OUT the fire. We vote for water."

"Well, if you want to put out the fire, you better vote for straw and twigs. Otherwise, you are just supporting the gasoline guys. You will be helping the group that wants the fire to get bigger. You will be working AGAINST what you want, don't you see that? Are you stupid?"

"No, actually, we aren't stupid. That's why we vote for water. Even if only 1% of us vote for water, we still believe that is the best - indeed, the only - solution. We will not vote for straw and twigs just because it is not as bad as gasoline. Even if you don't agree with us, can you at least see our reasoning?"

"NO! You are helping the gasoline people! You are stupid!"

... and so the discussion ended and the vote was held.

Saturday, July 14, 2012

C'mon, Mitt. Quit allowing Barack to pretend outsourcing is evil.

So, Mitt is upset with Barack because Barack claims Mitt was still involved with making management decisions at Bain Capital after 1999. What happened after 1999 that is so damaging to Mitt?

Bain "outsourced" jobs to foreign countries. You know, where businesses can hire people for less money and pay fewer taxes? HORRORS.

Mitt is way too uptight about this. He should mock Barack for getting his facts wrong and not understanding that owning shares in a company does not equal making decisions for a company. But no, Mitt has to act like outsourcing jobs is some horrible sin  that makes him a criminal. Even if he did it, it just means he understands how things actually work. He should own that. He should explain.

Companies exist to create products or provide services to customers. This should not be controversial, but apparently it is. The cheaper the company can do this, the more product it sells or services it provides. This makes consumers happy, because saving money on one purchase means that have money left over for other things.

(Little known fact ignored by the media: You, me and everyone we know are consumers. Yep. It's true! WE benefit, all of us, from lower prices. Blacks, whites, Native Americans, blue bloods and mutts; Christians, Muslims, Jews, Buddhists and atheists; homosexuals, asexuals, transexuals and even heterosexuals! We all benefit. Let that soak in for a bit. It could change your entire world view. It would certainly change Obama's.)

Mitt, thankfully, is pointing out that Barack's policies promote outsourcing by raising taxes on people in corporations. When people making decisions for corporations can operate more cheaply somewhere else, they will. Again, this should not be surprising, but apparently it is: "What:?! They are moving facilities where they can pay fewer taxes!!!! How could they?!!! That is just unbelievable!! Who EVER would have thought of such a thing?! How can we make policy when people CHANGE behavior based on how much we make them pay in taxes?!!"

Outsourcing allows companies to stay in business. It allows them to stay competitive. It allows them to produce things so poor people can afford them. (What? Low prices help poor people.....? This ... is... so... radical.....Can not... process.....)

If Mitt would just quit pretending he doesn't understand this, we'd all be better off. By pretending outsourcing is evil, he is allowing Barack to sell his message that higher prices are awesome. They are not. Not for anyone.

EPA to subpoena God in effort to get answers on Colorado wildfires

Due to the massive environmental damage caused by recent Colorado wildfires, the Environmental Protection Agency will be serving God with a subpoena to answer some questions before a congressional subcommittee.

"It looks increasingly likely that most, if not all, of these fires were naturally caused," said Lisa P. Jackson, Adminstrator of the EPA. "The Rocky Mountains contain an incredibly fragile eco-system. This kind of damage will take decades, if not centuries, to recover from. The EPA takes these matters very seriously, regardless of the cause. They say the Lord works in mysterious ways. Well, we just want to ask a few questions of the Supreme Being about those mysterious ways and why it had to result in so many dead fish in our pristine rivers."

Sources indicate the EPA hopes to reach an agreement with God that all future naturally occurring devastation meet the requirements of the Clean Water Act.

President Barack Obama, concerned about potential controversy on which God is subpoenaed, instructed federal lawyers to individually subpoena Yahweh (which, according to theological experts in the White House,  includes both the Jewish and the Christian God), Allah, Buddha and Xenu. According to an unnamed source, the decision to include Xenu on the subpoena list was controversial within the White House, but fear of alienating Hollywood donors by leaving him off the list was the deciding factor to include him.

"Look, this isn't a religious issue," White House Press Secretary Jay Carney said at a press conference, "it is an issue of responsibility. This White House takes its responsibility to enforce environmental laws very seriously. Regardless of whether it is Yahweh, Allah or even Xenu who is eventually held liable, President Obama is emphatic that this region of the U.S. be made whole and damages are paid. Nature is our responsibility."